your thong is hanging out like whoa
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
