rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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