I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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