i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
This house was built for laser tag.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I deserve this hangover.
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