your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
