you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
