okay pat passed out under dana's car
There's always time for handjobs
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
