he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
