We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
