imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
