I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
