Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
