why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
