I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
