Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
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