I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize