you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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