My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
How does one acquire holy water?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
