can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm at about main and main street
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
