If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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