shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
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My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
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I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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