I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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