At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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