i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Less talking, more tequila
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
