remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
