oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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