is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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