I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The struggles of a small town man whore
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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