The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
