How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
