She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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