i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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