70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
