I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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