Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
