so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
