You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
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Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
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I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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