Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
