he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
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I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
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When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath