So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.