I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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