So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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