I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
