I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
