UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
