I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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