**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
