She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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