I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i think my cat just said my name.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
