Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
