your parents love me but you hate me
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
