She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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