3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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