I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
