there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Randomize
